how to organize your life to not need to apologize

You can make a new plan, with the other person potentially feeling cleansed and feeling as though the past will not be used to shame or hurt him. Third, you give the relationship a new opportunity to go forward. If you have had flimsy boundaries in the past, you are sending a clear message that you are going to do things differently in the future. Second, you draw a clear line from the past to the possibility of a good future with a new beginning point of today, with a new plan and new expectations. The main point is this: Keep the future clearly differentiated from the past.Īs you discuss the future, you clearly delineate what your expectations are, what limits you will set, what the conditions will be, or what the consequences (good or bad) of various actions will be.ĭifferentiating between forgiveness and trust does a number of things:įirst, you prevent the other person from being able to say that not opening up again means you are “holding it against me.” In some good boundary conversations, you forgive the other person for the past, reconcile in the present, and then discuss what the limits of trust will be in the future. You could have a conversation that deals with two of these issues, or all three. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again. It deals with both what you will risk happening again and what you will open yourself up to. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. Reconciliation has to do with the present. It only takes one to offer forgiveness.Ģ. Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against you. The simplest way to help you to organize your thoughts as you confront this problem is to remember three points:ġ. Or, in fear of opening themselves up again, they avoid the conversation altogether and hold onto the hurt, fearing that forgiveness will make them vulnerable once again. Either they confront the other person about something that has happened, the other person says he’s sorry, and they forgive, open themselves up again, and blindly trust. People have been hurt, and they do one of two things. We hear this problem over and over again. “Well,” she asked, “How can I forgive him without opening myself up to being hurt again?” You trusted him, nothing was different, and he did it again. Every time he’s done this, he’s come back and apologized, and you have just accepted him right back into your life, and nothing has changed.

“Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. “But you said I was supposed to forgive him, and if I do that, doesn’t that mean giving him another chance? Don’t I have to open up to him again?” “I don’t think you should trust him either.” “Who said anything about ‘trusting’ him?” I asked. I know I should forgive him and trust him, but if I let him back in, the same thing will happen, and I can’t go through that again.” “But, I just can’t open myself up to that kind of hurt anymore. “I know I’m supposed to forgive,” a woman said to me at a seminar.

How to organize your life to not need to apologize